helping your child cope with the death of a family pet

understanding death

It is often difficult for children to understand death, so their first experience with it can be a confusing time. It often occurs when a beloved family pet passes, perhaps a dog or cat, or maybe a fish or hamster. It's often difficult for us, as parents, to guide our children through this difficult time as they navigate new and uncontrolled emotions. How we handle it may depend on our religious and spiritual beliefs, but the general themes and questions are common when we have to help our children cope with the death of a family pet.

If the pet's death is sudden and unexpected, we don't have a lot of time to think about it before discussing it with our children. If our pet is on a slow decline, it can be even more difficult, believe it or not. Depending on the age and personality of the child, you may wish to discuss what is happening to the pet with the child so that they can understand and be prepared, or you may wish to shield him or her. I'm an advocate for being open and honest whenever possible, but there are occasions where the child may be too young to understand or too sensitive to deal with the sadness that comes from the anticipation of the situation. There is no right or wrong answer–only what is right for your family.

how to help your child grieve

Children are often unsure about how to navigate the emotional maze of dealing with death. Regardless of what we say, specifically, which will largely be based in our belief system, there are some things we can all consider. 

It's okay for them to be sad. Let them cry. And cry again. Over and over. Even if it's just a goldfish, the death of a pet is a very sad time, especially for children, who assign pets roles specific and powerful. Remember that your child may feel she is losing her companion, family member, and best friend. Be there to comfort and hold your child and let them know that though there will will always be a special place in the heart for their pet, their heart will feel better with time. 

It's okay for you to be sad. Don't be afraid of letting your child see you cry. Sadness is a human thing, not just a kid thing, and though you need to be strong for your child and not go off the rails, crying and showing outward signs of grief are healthy for you as well as your child, and it's healthy for children to know that their parents are sad, too. You don't have to be a rock.

It's okay for them to be happy. Though unlikely (and inappropriate) that your child will be happy about the pet's death, it's okay to be happy at times during the grieving process. The body and mind need a break, so take your child to the park or out for ice cream or let them have a friend over to play. A little laughter and happiness during a difficult time can be healing.

It's okay for them to be angry. Your child may be angry at the pet for dying. Your child may be angry at you for "letting the pet die." Your child may be angry at the veterinarian for not saving your pet. Though you can explain that everyone did their best, know that feelings of anger can be a natural part of the grieving process for some children.

Alleviate any guilt your child feels. Your child may wonder if he or she did something wrong, or if they could have done something differently to help the situation. He may recall the time he yelled at the dog for chewing up his homework, or she may think about the time she forgot to feed the hamster for a day. Let your child know that death is a part of life and that guilt should not have a place in the grieving process. That being said, don't shut your child down if he or she wants to discuss these memories. 

Talk, talk, talk, and let them ask questions. Though it's okay to give your child some space if they want it, talk about the pet's death as much as your child would like. Encourage them to ask questions about what happened to the pet and speak the truth as much as possible. You'll know the level of detail to share based on your child. Your child may ask the same question over and over, and that's okay, too. You can answer it over and over. There may be comfort in that for your child. 

You may not have all of the answers, and that's okay. It's okay to say "I don't know." You may not know exactly why the pet died or how the pet felt. It's okay to say "I don't know," if your child has a question you can't answer. 

Don't lie. I believe in honesty, especially when it comes to speaking to our children. You don't need to spell out all of the gory details, if they apply, but you can avoid taking the discussion to that level while still maintaining integrity and being honest. Our children deserve the best we have to offer, especially in difficult situations, and, to me, that means being truthful. 

Consider your family beliefs and incorporate them into the conversation. Your family's faith and spirituality can be a powerful source of explanation and comfort during this difficult time. How you handle it is up to you, but in order to instill open-mindedness and acceptance of others for the future, I choose to tell my children "I believe XYZ, but others believe differently, and that's okay. No one knows for sure, so we can all choose what we want to believe. Isn't that amazing?" I feel that this approach is important, because I don't want my children getting into religious debates with friends on the playground. Everyone is entitled to their own set of beliefs. I even go so far as to tell my children that if they believe differently than I do, that's okay. Of course, you will need to draw from your own personal beliefs and principles when handling these types of conversations. Draw positivity and strength, regardless. 

Let your child tell their friends and seek support from peers. Chatting with peers and having an independent voice about the loss can be very comforting. Your child's friends may have experience with the death of a pet and can lend a sympathetic ear. The more your child talks about it, the faster he will heal. 

Your child may become worried about himself others dying. A child's first experience with death can be profound. It is common for children to feel insecure about the longevity of other pets in the house, their family and friends, or even themselves. It's important to discuss these matters with your child in whatever way you see fit. My father always told me "nobody ever gets out of this life alive." Though it may sound harsh, it was oddly comforting to me, and it was honest. Think about what you might say to your child if he or she becomes preoccupied with death.

Create a tangible memory in dedication to the pet. Though there is not usually a formal memorial service for a pet, you can honor the deceased in creative and positive ways with your child. This can help provide closure and can be comforting.  Some suggestions:

• Take a walk with your family on the regular route you walked your dog. Talk about the dog and share funny stories and memories. You can even take along some sidewalk chalk and draw memorial words and pictures together along the route.

• Allow your child to paint a picture of the pet. Frame it and hang it in a place of honor in the house.

• Print pictures of the pet and allow your child to create a collage to hang in his or her room.

• Work with your child to create a digital slide show set to music in honor of the pet.

• Have your child write and illustrate a book about the pet and have it printed as a keepsake.

• Make a stepping stone for the garden in honor of the pet.

• Have a celebration of life party for the pet. Make a special meal to have as a family and talk about the pet over dinner.

There is no timetable on grief. Remember that every child will grieve differently. Your child may seem to go on as if nothing happened, or she may be down in the dumps for weeks or longer. Allow your child the time they need to process the death and grieve.

The death of a pet is a profound time in your child's life. It's personal. It's heartbreaking. But remember that it's also a time of growth. It's an opportunity for your child to gain valuable life experience and grow and come to know him or herself as a person. It's also a time to bond with your child and get to know each other better. 

I believe that out of every negative comes something positive. 

Grow. Live. Love and appreciate every day. And miss your pet. It's okay. 

a personal side note

Since death is such an intimate matter, and you may wonder how I am qualified to speak about it, I wanted to share a bit of my personal story with you.

As a young child, I dealt with the death of a beloved dog and cat, Linus and Woody, a rabbit named Ernie, and too many fish to name. The greatest blow was when my mother passed away when I was eight years old. My family–as all families do–did a lot of good during those difficult times and also made some mistakes. We all make mistakes.

As a mother and professional pet sitter, our family has dealt not only with the deaths of some of our own pets, but the deaths of many clients' pets who we have grown to love (my children often accompany me on pet sitting visits). On one horrifying occasion, a client's pet died of natural causes in my arms as my children looked on. 

Every situation is different. Every family's set of beliefs is different. I hope this article brings you some source of comfort if you are going through this presently. If you are reading this in preparation, I wish you the best in the inevitable journey ahead. 

DISCLAIMER: I am not a mental health professional. I speak only from personal experience. If you or your child suffers debilitating psychological symptoms following the death of a pet or other difficult circumstance, please seek professional help immediately.

This article, written by me, originally appeared on Brie Brie Blooms and is reposted here with minor changes with permission.

•

How has your family dealt with the loss of a pet? Please share your story so others can learn. 

patiently impatient cat is hungry and would like someone to share: video

As a professional pet sitter, I see animals of all kinds. Shy ones, hyper ones, playful ones, cuddly ones, and funny ones. I'm taking care of some cats right now, and there's one guy who really likes to eat. On this particular day, he finished his own food, and then decided he hadn't quite had his fill, so he patiently...er...something like that...waited for his sister to finish.

Do you think she caught on to his subtle hints?

What does your cat do to show you he's hungry...or still hungry?

is it okay to bed-share with my pet?

This article, written by me, originally appeared on Brie Brie Blooms. It appears here with minor changes, with permission.

While some pet owners wouldn't dream of allowing their pet in the bed, there are just as many who wouldn't dream of sleeping without their furry companion, most commonly a dog or cat. Bed sharing with pets is quite common. In our household, it's more of a family affair. Just this morning, I woke to find my son in-between my husband and I, our dog, N.A.S.H.A., next to him with her head on the pillow, and my daughter curled up at the foot of the bed. She must have been last to arrive to the party, and with my husband rolling his eyes behind me, I have to admit that it's not the first time this has happened. We have a big bed and a small dog, so it works (mostly) for us.  My philosophy: If everyone in the bed is comfortable having the pet in the bed, it's fine! The kids? You're on your own.

Web M.D. states: 

according to a recent survey of pet owners by the American Pet Products Association, nearly half of dogs sleep in their owners' beds. The survey found that 62% of small dogs, 41% of medium-sized dogs, and 32% of large dogs sleep with their owners. The survey also found that 62% of cats sleep with their adult owners, and another 13% of cats sleep with children.

It is actually a compliment to you if your pet likes to sleep with you. Dogs and cats will only sleep with people and animals they trust. There can be benefits and drawbacks to sharing a bed with your pet.

What are some of the drawbacks? When might your pet not be a good candidate for sharing your bed?

An aggressive dog should never be allowed to share your bed until the problem can be resolved. This may include growling or biting, and often occurs when one spouse enters the bed after the other (and the dog) are already occupying the bed and the dog feels possessive over either the person or the territory. This situation is one that can be fixed with training.

One needs to be very cautious about allowing a dog or cat who startles easily into the bed. bedmates, whether human or animal, inevitably touch or sometimes kick one another during the night. If your pet startles easily and is reactive, this may lead to unintended aggressive behavior, such as biting or scratching. 

Babies in cribs should not sleep with animals. The animal may feel trapped, or the baby may not be able to move out of the way for safe breathing and sleeping. Babies and animals should never be left alone. 

People with allergies should probably not allow their pet to sleep in the bed. Not quite as critical a case as an aggressive or reactive pet, but still poses a health risk. Even if the allergy sufferer is not triggered by the animal, itself, pollen and other environmental substances the pet brings in from being outside can exacerbate allergies.

If cleanliness is a concern to you, you may not want your pet in the bed. Pets can track in dirt and often shed fur and dander. If you have a particularly smelly or oily dog, this might be more critical. But, if you don't mind, then go for it! Some people even have a special blanket for their pet in the bed. Your pet can be trained to stay on his own blanket. 

A puppy who has not yet been house trained is not a good candidate for sleeping in the bed. Puppies will often get off the bed to eliminate somewhere in the house, or–even worse–someplace in the bed that they deem far enough from their snuggle spot. 

If you share the bed with your partner and having a pet in the bed interferes with intimacy, the situation may need reevaluation. Some couples don't mind the pet in the bed during these private moments, while some will kick the animal out or provide a distraction, such as a chew treat. Regardless, both partners should be in agreement about whether the pet sticks around for the show. Since I'm not a marriage counselor, I'll leave it at that.

If you have a particularly large breed dog such as a Mastiff or Great Dane, you may want to provide an alternative sleeping space. Remember that large breed dogs don't start out as big as an adult human. As puppies, their size is completely manageable in the bed. But if you allow the puppy in the bed, he won't understand why he can no longer sleep with you as he reaches full-size. Whatever you choose, starting as you mean to go on is the best policy, if possible.

If your pet disrupts your sleep, you may want to reconsider allowing her in the bed. Dogs, in particular, are notorious for snoring, tooting, scratching, and licking throughout the night, which can be very disruptive to your sleep cycle. Since Fido sleeps most of the day, anyway, he doesn't care that you have to get up for work in the morning. If your pet sleeps soundly and quietly, you got lucky! Our dog, N.A.S.H.A., has always slept with us. She's a bit older, now, and although we let her out right before bed, she now usually has to relieve herself at some point during the night. I realized she started doing so on the floor (on the tile, thank goodness), so, somehow I started to hear her disembark during the night. Now, as soon as I hear her paws hit the floor, I'm up and at 'em, opening the slider for her. Sometimes as changes occur in our pets, we are forced to adapt. It's disruptive, but better to me than cleaning up the mess in the morning if I stay in bed. (My husband could sleep through a tornado, so he's no help.)

If jumping on or off the bed risks injury to the pet, they should not be doing so. This can happen with older pets or pets with special needs, or long-bodied dogs, especially if you have a tall bed. Thankfully, they now make bed stairs and bed ramps for exactly this purpose. If you choose to lift your pet into the bed, be certain she doesn't risk injury by jumping off independently. 

But it's not all bad.

If the issues above don't apply to you or you aren't bothered by them, sleeping with a pet can actually have health benefits.

People who sleep with pets sometimes find the animal's breathing patterns to be soothing, reporting that they fall asleep faster if their pet is around. Sleeping with pets can also make people feel safer and calmer, which may also help sleep. It can be psychologically comforting to know that your dog is ready to defend you if need be or just having the companionship of a snoozing cat. People have slept with their pets for centuries, often using them for protection and even warmth. Do you know where the phrase "it's a three-dog night" originates? It's accepted in academic circles that the Chukchi in far east Siberia originated the term to describe how cold conditions were. A "three-dog night" was a night that required three dogs to snuggle in order to keep warm. So if you suddenly find yourself without heat, grab a dog or three!

Every situation is different. What about you? Does your pet sleep in your bed?

well minded's top 10 tuesday: our favorite pet finds this week (May 5)

I see so many great pet stories, videos, products, and blog posts each week, so I've compiled this week's favorites. It's a little bit of this and a little bit of that...some old, some new, some tried, all true! 

1. cat on a trampoline

This one's been bouncing around a lot this week. I wouldn't recommend doing this, but the consensus among commenters is that the cat is enjoying himself. I'm not sure I agree. Let's hope he doesn't lose a claw. What do you think? Courtesy of silverlinefarms.

2. families learn a valuable lesson when a pet store secretly replaces all the animals with rescues

This touching story from Associaçåo Quatro Patinas out of Brazil via Reshareworthy shows that "better than buying a life is saving one."

3. adorable dog plays ping-pong

Huff Post Green shared this amazing video via AFV Approved. I aspire to be as good at ping-pong as this pooch!

4. dog barks at own hiccups

I know, I know...you've already seen it. This video by Matthew Kennelly is too good not to share, just in case you haven't. And if you have, wouldn't you like to see it again, and again?

5. when you check to see if your girlfriend is still mad at you–meme

This meme by kadavirus on meme center struck me as hilarious this week.

6. dog hilariously blames another dog for pooping in the kitchen

Who pooped in the kitchen? We find out in this gut-busting video from Judy the Terrier via Petcha.com. 

7. plastic bottle recycling bin feeds stray dogs

This touching video via Time out of Istanbul, Turkey, shows a recycling bin that helps feed some of the estimated 150,000 stray dogs in the region. And the video makes me cry every time I watch it. What an amazing invention.

8. using humor to protect ugly animals, because they can't all be as cute as pandas

I love this summary via PBS News Hour of Simon Watt's book "Ugly Animals: We Can't All Be Pandas." Shouldn't we have equal rights for all?

9. brimley's massive smile, secret to his social success

First of all, what a great, unique looking cat! But when you hear his story via Animal Planet, it will melt your heart. We love Brimley!

10. run, walter, run!

I want to be Walter in Italy. Don't you? Amazing and surprisingly inspiring GoPro video from sicu89. What will you do with reckless abandon today?

Which is your favorite?

Have a killer pet find to submit for our top 10 tuesday? Please let me know!

child dog-walkers: guidelines and illustrated leash-holding techniques

Children typically love to help out with the family pet. Even if you can't get them to clean their rooms, they will likely be happy to walk Fido. My son, Porter, has been accompanying me on pet sitting visits since he was one week old. As soon as he could hold his head up properly, I would put him in a forward-facing carrier on my chest while I walked dogs. At about six months of age, he began to want to hold the leash he could see stretched out in front of him. I let him hold the leash a couple of feet in front of the end where I had a firm grasp, and I think he was convinced that he was doing the job, himself. He'd giggle and coo during every walk. He is now eight years old, and I'll let him walk the family dog independently and very occasionally a client's dog, depending on the dog and the situation. Regardless, I'm an arms-length away in case an emergency arises. There are lots of tasks children can help with when it comes to the family pet, but walks are a favorite. One thing to remember is that our pets are completely dependent upon us to meet their basic needs. It's vital that parents make sure the most important tasks are being done, especially if they have been assigned to a child. Making sure the family dog gets food, water, and exercise is vital to his well-being. 

so when is a child ready to walk the family dog?

Whether a child is capable of walking the family dog is dependent on a number of factors, all of which must be considered for the safety of the child and the pet. 

• age of the child

• maturity of the child

• physical strength of the child

• size/strength of the dog

• energy level of the dog

• behavior of the dog

Each child/dog combo is unique, so you'll have to carefully consider your own situation. A two-year-old may be able to walk your senior Daschund who moves as slow as a snail with some supervision. On the other hand, even a tween may not be able to handle the energy and strength of a young Boxer. 

It's important to consider what kind of a walker your dog typically is. Under normal circumstances, how does your dog walk? Has he been leash trained? Does he walk along the sidewalk next to you in a relaxed fashion, or does he dart here and there, veering under every bush to check things out? Does he pull on the leash? If your child is able to handle what your dog dishes out, then it's a go. The age of the child should always be considered, however. Even if your five-year-old can appropriately handle the family chihuahua, a five-year-old should not be navigating the neighborhood alone. Young children should always be accompanied by a responsible adult or older sibling. 

What's even more important to consider is how your dog will behave in an unusual situation. What would happen if a squirrel suddenly darted across your path? Would your dog spring into action and pull you up a tree to get to it? Or what if you encounter another dog? Even if your dog gets along well with others, you never know who you'll meet. You might run into Kujo. Can your child handle those extreme situations that can happen in an instant? If not, you need to walk within inches of your child and pooch, prepared to take over, should the need arise. 

I allow my eight- and six-year-old to walk our 11-pound , 9-year-old mixed terrier. She has quite a bit of energy even though she is getting on in years, but she walks fairly well on a leash, and when she gets excited about something enough to pull, the kids have the strength to control her. I walk with them, however, because I feel that A) they are too young to be out and about on their own, and B) they may not be able to handle a sticky situation, such as a brush with a not-so-friendly or off-leash dog. If we encounter a situation like that, I simply take over the responsibility of holding the leash until the unpredictable situation has passed.

If your child isn't ready to walk the dog independently, you can do as I do or even allow your smaller child to hold the leash with you. It can be a bit awkward for two people to hold the leash, but if it's safer that way for your situation, it's a great way to get your child involved in the task.

does it matter how a child holds a leash?

You may not think so, but it's important for the safety of the dog and the walker, regardless of age. A proper leash hold will allow your child control and will prevent the potential for injury or a loose dog. Below, you'll see a couple of  common mistakes as well as the the best hold.

The wrist wrap-around is wrong.

One of the most common ways children hold a leash is the wrist wrap-around position. It seems ultra-secure because it almost guarantees that the child won't let go of the leash. And therein lies the problem. The child really can't let go of the leash, something that is necessary in some emergency situations. Though it's important for a child to have a secure hold on the leash, there must be an escape, and the wrist wrap-around hold does not allow that.

The four-finger grasp leaves a lot of room for error.

The four-finger grasp is another common leash hold for a child. It is natural and easy, but has just the opposite problem of the wrist wrap-around hold. This hold does not allow enough security, as the leash can easily be pulled from the child's grasp.

Thumbs up for the thumbs-up hold!

The best way for a child (or anyone) to hold a leash is the thumbs-up hold, pictured here. It may seem a bit awkward at first, and it may not feel as secure, but rest assured that it is. Ask your child to give you a classic "thumbs up" gesture. The leash is grasped by the child's four fingers, then looped around the thumb. The thumb stays up to prevent the leash from being yanked from your child's grasp, but your child can quickly let go in an emergency situation. It's the best of both worlds, secure, yet safe.

With the proper leash hold, your child and dog can learn to walk well together. Though each child/dog combo has a unique set of circumstances and requires individual evaluation, there are some deal-breakers:

• Any child under the age of five should not independently hold a leash.

• A child of any age should not be allowed to walk a dog he can't control. This is true of adults, as well. If the dog can not be controlled on a leash, leash training is a must.

• Children under the age of ten should always be supervised when dog-walking.

• Children should never walk a dog who is aggressive toward other people or animals.

• Children should never walk multiple dogs at the same time.

• Retractable leashes pose many dangers and should not be used by children (nor is it my advice for anyone to use them)

When proper technique is used and your child can control the animal, dog-walking is a great way for your child to get involved in the family chores and bond with your pooch. It is a fun activity, and the exercise and fresh air will be great for both human and canine. So get out there and work together to ensure everyone is safe, secure, and happy! 

How does your child help with the family pets?

This article, written by me, originally appeared as a contributor post on Brie Brie Blooms. It has been posted here with minor changes with permission.

YOU MIGHT ALSO ENJOY:

kids and animals: instilling respect

how to approach and pet a dog: 10 steps kids need to know

your baby and your pets: 10 steps for a smooth introduction